D
deleted1111261
Being a public figure has many cons of course, but over the last few years it’s taken its toll.
There is this behavior of sending links and screenshotting things I tweet or post on SDN and sending to my old PD and others. And then I wake up to text messages sent to me which get under my skin about how angry and nasty I am. Many of you have met me in person or spoken to me on the phone. I’m not the smartest person or the most published or any of the superlatives, but I’m one of the happier and kinder people out there. I’ve gone out of my way for many people in this specialty. Many of you have entered my home or met me out or been to one of my events. I want or need nothing from anyone else in this field, but it brings me joy to help anyone that asks. I like people, engagement, friendships, conversations. I like being a RadOnc, because as nerdy as it is, I like most RadOncs, too.
My messages tend to have passion, and I rarely criticize people directly or by name. Yes, there are those out there that receive my ire (I.e. future Astro presidents going after people and calling them at work or their employer), but in general rants have been about ASTRO’s (lack of) leadership, the absolute laughingstock The Red Journal has become, the careerism of many (who I never name), potential oversupply of trainees (my priors have been adjusted; jobs out there are pretty good, maybe we are fine, I never claimed certainty and those that say it is fine shouldn’t either) and the trampling over community medicine by Big RadOnc. Recently, the industry of “DEI” has been my punching bag, but no need for that any more - it’s collapsing under its own weight and will be a historic footnote of a weird decade. Nice knowing ya, Kendi!
Anyway, I’m a human being. I have feelings. When PDs say I’m a Nazi (yes, this is true), when ASTRO blocks me from any committee work, when past friends stop communicating with me or no longer want to meet at meetings because I’m “controversial”, despite me never saying an ill word towards them and continuing to have the highest respect for them - this hurts my feelings. It makes me feel bad.
Yeah, strange, huh? This firebrand that cares about maternity leave, the ABR not failing people indiscriminately, residents being ill treated has feelings. Amongst my friends (and many of you!), my sensitivity is well known. And it really does bother me to be thought of as this negative person. Everyone who sees me knows I’m constantly smiling and having a good time. Cue Sammy Sosa: “RadOnc has been bery bery good to me”.
Leaving X has been refreshing, and part of that was the same reason. Threads of mine get sent around and talked about behind my back, even though many people behind closed doors not only agree but say the same things to each other- how lousy our journal has become, the problems with SOAPing residents that didn’t want to be RadOncs to begin with, the lack of scholarship of the sociology-type research (“more awareness and studies should be completed to further understand this disparity”), the overwork and underpay of junior academics, the sexism, the favoritism, the arbitrariness of it all and the lack of concern by those in power.
But, when I say it aloud - when the dirty laundry is exposed - then people become upset with me. Not the actions, but with me for saying it. When I spoke about my former chairman, everyone knew and talked about it - but mentioning his racism and clinical ineptness aloud alienated me from my residency, while the chairman got a fond farewell. You know what I get told all the time? “He changed. He’s not like that any more.” Does this excuse past behavior? Why? How is it that these folks blame the victim for what the perpetrator did? But, this is par for the course when people’s words don’t line up with their actions. I think what happens is that when they see someone like me that is consistent - whose actions reflect their words, their own cognitive dissonance hits like a blast of the Midwest winter.
I have no interest in returning to X - it allows me to stay mindful with family and that’s too important, the doomscrolling was too much, the addiction had deep roots. In addition, the app is a mess, and I can’t even follow things without an account. The algorithm is weird now, you have to gamify to amplify and I just have no interest any more. It’s really boring.
Am I a misanthrope? A person who hates other people? I am surrounded by people, we have dinner guests constantly, I have group threads of beloved friends and families, I throw parties, I join clubs, etc. I’ve been the “social chair” every where I’ve been. Medicine, specifically RO, has allowed me to live the life I’ve always dreamed. I’m in Thailand right now with my amazing wife, missing my amazing kids. I kinda miss work, because I adore my clinic, my staff and my patients, but I have two good friends covering me - not just rando locums, people that come to my kids’ birthdays and workout/run with me - that I trust to take good care of my shop. How lucky am I?
I have gratitude every day that I won the lottery of life. I live it as fully as I can and time is running out; I sleep less so I can spend more time with kids in the evening, with wife after they are down, and after she sleeps, I imbibe novels and rationalism essays. My employer is allowing me to do an integrative medicine fellowship and I’m rejuvenated with medicine again.
So, whoever out there that does this screenshotting and thread spreading - you’ve driven me off here, too. But, from my point of view, you’re not nice. You’re not kind. You’re mean. Whatever pleasure you derived from it, whatever laughs you share amongst yourselves, whatever you gain from this - I hope my discomfort brought you joy and it was worth it.
See ya around, maybe in Orlando this March or in DC at that Big Science Fair in the fall.
Simul
There is this behavior of sending links and screenshotting things I tweet or post on SDN and sending to my old PD and others. And then I wake up to text messages sent to me which get under my skin about how angry and nasty I am. Many of you have met me in person or spoken to me on the phone. I’m not the smartest person or the most published or any of the superlatives, but I’m one of the happier and kinder people out there. I’ve gone out of my way for many people in this specialty. Many of you have entered my home or met me out or been to one of my events. I want or need nothing from anyone else in this field, but it brings me joy to help anyone that asks. I like people, engagement, friendships, conversations. I like being a RadOnc, because as nerdy as it is, I like most RadOncs, too.
My messages tend to have passion, and I rarely criticize people directly or by name. Yes, there are those out there that receive my ire (I.e. future Astro presidents going after people and calling them at work or their employer), but in general rants have been about ASTRO’s (lack of) leadership, the absolute laughingstock The Red Journal has become, the careerism of many (who I never name), potential oversupply of trainees (my priors have been adjusted; jobs out there are pretty good, maybe we are fine, I never claimed certainty and those that say it is fine shouldn’t either) and the trampling over community medicine by Big RadOnc. Recently, the industry of “DEI” has been my punching bag, but no need for that any more - it’s collapsing under its own weight and will be a historic footnote of a weird decade. Nice knowing ya, Kendi!
Anyway, I’m a human being. I have feelings. When PDs say I’m a Nazi (yes, this is true), when ASTRO blocks me from any committee work, when past friends stop communicating with me or no longer want to meet at meetings because I’m “controversial”, despite me never saying an ill word towards them and continuing to have the highest respect for them - this hurts my feelings. It makes me feel bad.
Yeah, strange, huh? This firebrand that cares about maternity leave, the ABR not failing people indiscriminately, residents being ill treated has feelings. Amongst my friends (and many of you!), my sensitivity is well known. And it really does bother me to be thought of as this negative person. Everyone who sees me knows I’m constantly smiling and having a good time. Cue Sammy Sosa: “RadOnc has been bery bery good to me”.
Leaving X has been refreshing, and part of that was the same reason. Threads of mine get sent around and talked about behind my back, even though many people behind closed doors not only agree but say the same things to each other- how lousy our journal has become, the problems with SOAPing residents that didn’t want to be RadOncs to begin with, the lack of scholarship of the sociology-type research (“more awareness and studies should be completed to further understand this disparity”), the overwork and underpay of junior academics, the sexism, the favoritism, the arbitrariness of it all and the lack of concern by those in power.
But, when I say it aloud - when the dirty laundry is exposed - then people become upset with me. Not the actions, but with me for saying it. When I spoke about my former chairman, everyone knew and talked about it - but mentioning his racism and clinical ineptness aloud alienated me from my residency, while the chairman got a fond farewell. You know what I get told all the time? “He changed. He’s not like that any more.” Does this excuse past behavior? Why? How is it that these folks blame the victim for what the perpetrator did? But, this is par for the course when people’s words don’t line up with their actions. I think what happens is that when they see someone like me that is consistent - whose actions reflect their words, their own cognitive dissonance hits like a blast of the Midwest winter.
I have no interest in returning to X - it allows me to stay mindful with family and that’s too important, the doomscrolling was too much, the addiction had deep roots. In addition, the app is a mess, and I can’t even follow things without an account. The algorithm is weird now, you have to gamify to amplify and I just have no interest any more. It’s really boring.
Am I a misanthrope? A person who hates other people? I am surrounded by people, we have dinner guests constantly, I have group threads of beloved friends and families, I throw parties, I join clubs, etc. I’ve been the “social chair” every where I’ve been. Medicine, specifically RO, has allowed me to live the life I’ve always dreamed. I’m in Thailand right now with my amazing wife, missing my amazing kids. I kinda miss work, because I adore my clinic, my staff and my patients, but I have two good friends covering me - not just rando locums, people that come to my kids’ birthdays and workout/run with me - that I trust to take good care of my shop. How lucky am I?
I have gratitude every day that I won the lottery of life. I live it as fully as I can and time is running out; I sleep less so I can spend more time with kids in the evening, with wife after they are down, and after she sleeps, I imbibe novels and rationalism essays. My employer is allowing me to do an integrative medicine fellowship and I’m rejuvenated with medicine again.
So, whoever out there that does this screenshotting and thread spreading - you’ve driven me off here, too. But, from my point of view, you’re not nice. You’re not kind. You’re mean. Whatever pleasure you derived from it, whatever laughs you share amongst yourselves, whatever you gain from this - I hope my discomfort brought you joy and it was worth it.
See ya around, maybe in Orlando this March or in DC at that Big Science Fair in the fall.
Simul
