MD-1, Tore ACL - depressed and struggling whether medicine is for me

[student199]

I'm 2 months from being done with my first year but I'm really depressed most days and have bad bad anxiety. Coming into medical school I was happy and optimistic about life. However, I tore my ACL during intramurals early in the school year and my life has been pretty tough since. I went through my first year basically on one leg while also managing surgery, and the recovery process (4 month post op). I've been passing all my classes, but its taken an emotional toll and I just feel burnt out to the point that I don't go a day without pessimism about medicine and life. It got bad this past month when I started getting knee pain. Its so unbelievably hard to focus and memorize stuff if your knee aches.

I saw my surgeon who said its part of the course during the healing process but I'm scared my stress level is just making it worse. What if it doesn't get better by 2nd year board time, Im screwed! I feel like I pursued medicine because I was always decently "smart" and it was sort of the natural thing to do with encouragement from my parents. I went on mission trips, shadowed, did all the normal pre med stuff but you never really know what to expect until you start.

I'm afraid I'll drive myself to suicide if I continue medicine. I keep thinking I would be so much happier if I went back home with my parents and worked a "normal" job. Although, I also I'm also afraid of living a life of regret. I've talked to my school counselor but I haven't revealed the extent to which I'm feeling bad.

would really appreciate any advice or anything thanks guys

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[Oso]

I'm afraid I'll drive myself to suicide if I continue medicine.

I've talked to my school counselor but I haven't revealed the extent to which I'm feeling bad.

Go back to your school's counseling/psychological services and actually be honest/open about your struggles. They can't help you if you don't let them.

Address this now before your grades start to slip, you have to take step 1, and **** gets overall more stressful.

 

[mary3x]

Go back to your school's counseling/psychological services and actually be honest/open about your struggles. They can't help you if you don't let them.

Address this now before your grades start to slip, you have to take step 1, and **** gets overall more stressful.

Did the samething man. It's the worst. Just keep at PT and it should get better.

 

[UTsksk]

I would talk with somebody that can help you. I went through depression during spring of 2nd year. Told my friend but never a physician or counseling. I took a massive hit on boards which definitely played a role in the match.

 

[raiderette]

Can you take a medical LOA? Take time to heal, both physically and mentally. Do some research if you don't want to feel like your year is wasted.

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[student199]

I haven't talked to my school about it, but I'm fairly certain that I can take a LOA and start M2 a year later. However, I'm unsure if I would like to do this as all my friends would be going on rotations as M3s while I'd be an M2. Feel like I'd get lonely trying to remake friends.

 

[raiderette]

I haven't talked to my school about it, but I'm fairly certain that I can take a LOA and start M2 a year later. However, I'm unsure if I would like to do this as all my friends would be going on rotations as M3s while I'd be an M2. Feel like I'd get lonely trying to remake friends.

So the real question is whether you still want to be a doctor. You can still see your friends who are 3rd years. You will make new friends. I am making new friends on rotations and we are all in the same class. The priority should be getting better.

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[watermelon master]

Why don't you seek out help from the mental health services at your school? Tell them what you posted here.

 

[student199]

I want to be a doctor, but I think I'm just burnout from juggling injury, surgery, recovery, pain, etc. ACL Recovery is about 9 months and I'm at 4 months, so I'm hoping hoping that my knee will get better.

Although, knee pain post surgery is more likely than not a chronic thing. I keep thinking what's going to happen 3rd year on rotations or residency when I don't get sleep and my knee hurts but my preceptor is like sorry keep working. That's the part that really scares about being a doctor. I'm already stressed know as an M1 and we all know it only gets worse...

 

[student199]

Why don't you seek out help from the mental health services at your school? Tell them what you posted here.

I've talked to my school's counselor about my anxiety and she recommended that I thinking about taking SSRIs or some antidepressant. Even my PCP asked me if I wanted medication for my depression when I saw him last week. I said no, because the side-effects freak me out.

 

[xffan624]

I've talked to my school's counselor about my anxiety and she recommended that I thinking about taking SSRIs or some antidepressant. Even my PCP asked me if I wanted medication for my depression when I saw him last week. I said no, because the side-effects freak me out.

You're missing a year of medical school. I can't imagine a worse side effect than that.

 

[Espressso]

Definitely talk to your school resource center. That's step number one.

As for the knee pain. I tore mine during undergrad and it was horrible. Couldn't imagine having it happen during m1. But it does get better. You said it yourself, you're on month 4. Still got a ways to go but you have to remember that you're making progress. Taking a medical loa is probably your best bet to make sure school pauses while you rest and recover. The friends and and class going ahead of you is all second order in relation to your success both with your health and school.

But as the other posters mentioned above, all of this is contingent on whether you truly want to still be a physician at the end of the day. You mentioned working a "normal" job back home. What do you consider "normal"? Those sound lame to me and if you feel the same then forget it. Take the loa, rest and feel healthy again both physically and mentally, remember why you wanted to go to med school in the first place, and come back and tear it up.

 

[ekmf27050]

I'm 2 months from being done with my first year but I'm really depressed most days and have bad bad anxiety. Coming into medical school I was happy and optimistic about life. However, I tore my ACL during intramurals early in the school year and my life has been pretty tough since. I went through my first year basically on one leg while also managing surgery, and the recovery process (4 month post op). I've been passing all my classes, but its taken an emotional toll and I just feel burnt out to the point that I don't go a day without pessimism about medicine and life. It got bad this past month when I started getting knee pain. Its so unbelievably hard to focus and memorize stuff if your knee aches.

I saw my surgeon who said its part of the course during the healing process but I'm scared my stress level is just making it worse. What if it doesn't get better by 2nd year board time, Im screwed! I feel like I pursued medicine because I was always decently "smart" and it was sort of the natural thing to do with encouragement from my parents. I went on mission trips, shadowed, did all the normal pre med stuff but you never really know what to expect until you start.

I'm afraid I'll drive myself to suicide if I continue medicine. I keep thinking I would be so much happier if I went back home with my parents and worked a "normal" job. Although, I also I'm also afraid of living a life of regret. I've talked to my school counselor but I haven't revealed the extent to which I'm feeling bad.

would really appreciate any advice or anything thanks guys

Sorry to hear about your difficult year. I can't speak to the med school aspect playing into your mental health struggles, but can speak to the health aspect. I've had a couple of knee ligament surgeries, and bouncing back can be tough. I've had enough surgeries now oops to recognize it when it happens, but after the initial "adrenaline" of the surgery wears off, I come off the painkillers, and start getting back into normal life, my mental health always really predictably tanks. Anxiety, depression, the works. Maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, maybe it's my brain's way of reacting to the stressor of surgery, whatever. It's literally mis. I had multiple surgeries while applying to school (again, ) and every time my brain went into anxiety mode, I was convinced that I wouldn't get interviews/wouldn't get accepted/wouldn't be able to make it as a doctor. Plus, the pain and recovery setbacks would make me feel even worse.

I guess my point is, going through any surgery can royally suck. It can wreck your mental health for a while, and this isn't just anecdotal-- look at studies of post-surgical depression. When your brain is in that anxious/depressed state, it looks for anything and everything to feel bad and worried about. Know that it will pass, but it will pass easier with help- whatever is best for you (meds, meds + counseling, just counseling)- but professional help nonetheless. Feel free to PM if you want to complain about knee surgeries!!

 

[Stagg737]

I want to be a doctor, but I think I'm just burnout from juggling injury, surgery, recovery, pain, etc. ACL Recovery is about 9 months and I'm at 4 months, so I'm hoping hoping that my knee will get better.

Although, knee pain post surgery is more likely than not a chronic thing. I keep thinking what's going to happen 3rd year on rotations or residency when I don't get sleep and my knee hurts but my preceptor is like sorry keep working. That's the part that really scares about being a doctor. I'm already stressed know as an M1 and we all know it only gets worse...

You say you want to be a doctor, but you also said this initially:

I feel like I pursued medicine because I was always decently "smart" and it was sort of the natural thing to do with encouragement from my parents. I went on mission trips, shadowed, did all the normal pre med stuff but you never really know what to expect until you start.

I think your best choice at this point is to take the LOA and figure out your priorities. Being smart and being encouraged to pursue medicine because it's "the natural thing to do" isn't a good enough reason imo. I say that as someone who had the exact same reasoning for most of my UG career. I was unsuccessful in my first application cycle and seriously contemplated just taking another route, but I did a mission trip that really opened my eyes to why I wanted to do medicine and I never looked back. You don't have to have that awe-inspiring reason, but if it's not a calling or you don't at least enjoy some aspects of it, you need to seriously reassess if this path is worth the misery you seem to be going through and the potential for that to get worse.

It sounds like this process has sucked for you. Obviously having a serious injury and surgery during this time hasn't helped, but you need to ask yourself if you think you would be happy or at least content if you hadn't had the injury. If you take the year off, it gives you both time to physically recover as well as mentally figure things out. If you realize medicine isn't for you, then now is the right time to get out before more debt racks up. If you realize it really is the right path, then you've got new motivation and a fresh outlook before you have to worry about boards. It's not ideal, but given your situation and your concerns about your mental health worsening, I think it's a very valid option at this point which could definitely be explained come match season.

 

[Oso]

Assuming you do want to continue medical school and be a doctor:

I haven't talked to my school about it, but I'm fairly certain that I can take a LOA and start M2 a year later. However, I'm unsure if I would like to do this as all my friends would be going on rotations as M3s while I'd be an M2. Feel like I'd get lonely trying to remake friends.

You will feel even more lonely when your friends match and you don't because you have a weak application because you did not want to manage your anxiety and depression

I want to be a doctor, but I think I'm just burnout from juggling injury, surgery, recovery, pain, etc. ACL Recovery is about 9 months and I'm at 4 months, so I'm hoping hoping that my knee will get better.

Although, knee pain post surgery is more likely than not a chronic thing. I keep thinking what's going to happen 3rd year on rotations or residency when I don't get sleep and my knee hurts but my preceptor is like sorry keep working. That's the part that really scares about being a doctor. I'm already stressed know as an M1 and we all know it only gets worse...

No use in worrying about what your third year attending will think of you and your level of sleep third year when you haven't even finished M1. Sounds like anxious, unhelpful thoughts.

I've talked to my school's counselor about my anxiety and she recommended that I thinking about taking SSRIs or some antidepressant. Even my PCP asked me if I wanted medication for my depression when I saw him last week. I said no, because the side-effects freak me out.

Pick one, symptoms of anxiety and depression or, most likely, minimal to no side effects (most people do just fine on SSRI's and if you really cannot tolerate them there are different classes of medications)


I KNOW I'm being tough here, but sometimes we need some tough love. I wish someone had kicked my ass and gotten me to ask for help earlier during medical school.

I also KNOW I am not addressing your ACL recovery because, frankly, I don't know much about that. I'm sorry that all of this is happening at once. I had a friend who tore their ACL once and it sucked, so I can't imagine having to deal with that AND medical school AND the other symptoms you are describing.


I am just asking you to go back to your school counselor, be honest, and be open to trying medication if that's what it takes to feel better -- there is no shame in this.

 

[Goro]

I haven't talked to my school about it, but I'm fairly certain that I can take a LOA and start M2 a year later. However, I'm unsure if I would like to do this as all my friends would be going on rotations as M3s while I'd be an M2. Feel like I'd get lonely trying to remake friends.

If you value your medical career, you will get to your schools counseling center stat.

You'll make new friends after you take your leave of absence. I strongly recommend taking leave of absence and going to heal both mentally and physically

 

[student199]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I will definitely see my school's counseling and strongly consider taking a LOA.

 

[001002154]

Are you back to doing any of your pre-injury activities? Working out/ lifting, running, anything?

 

[ekmf27050]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I will definitely see my school's counseling and strongly consider taking a LOA.

I speak from experience when I say that counseling really helps you learn how to separate post-surgery brain irrational worries from legit concerns, and I think it could very much help you. Once you're able to separate your legitimate concerns for the future from your post-surgery anxiety and depression thought trends, I think you'll have a much better idea if you need an LOA, or just a good summer's worth of rehab and relaxation. Good luck OP!!

 

[student199]

Are you back to doing any of your pre-injury activities? Working out/ lifting, running, anything?

I bike everyday and do pullups. I could probably workout with weights but I'm going to hold off until my knee is a little stronger.