Hi! I already posted this on another thread. My journey to medical school has been a long one. I am an international student and this is the third time I applied and finally got in. I am having so many second thoughts and I am worried about so many things. I am a 32 year old single female. I never thought I would question medicine, but I have been lately. I am worried that I will not have the chance to have a family if I attend medical school. I know this is something I have to sort out on my own, but I was wondering if anyone can give me any advice!
Getting cold feet about medical school
- Thread starter zamba
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Dear Zamba, congratulations on your acceptance to medical school! This is an impressive feat for anyone but even more so for someone applying their 3rd cycle as an international student, so take a moment to be proud of yourself.
I can relate to what you're feeling. When I was accepted to med school I was a 31yo reapplicant, and I was leaving behind a career that was just starting to go well and where I was at the end of the training path instead of the beginning. Definitely had some people tell me I was crazy to give up what I had for the life of a medical trainee and/or say I was too old, but remember the former is a personal decision and the latter is just not true. My first year of med school was the hardest for me, not because of the academic work (though there is a lot to learn) but because of questioning myself/ my decision constantly. I got into a bad habit of rubbing my eyes a lot from stress, and for the first time in my life had like 3 styes in a 6 month period (this does wonders for your self confidence too, lol).
My only advice would be if you're gonna commit to medicine, commit to medicine. Don't double guess yourself and keep wondering "what if?". You earned this and nobody but you will know or care about your age. At least for me each year I got closer to my goal has been happier. I came into med school married, but plenty of people aren't and still find time to date/ meet partners. I did experience a pregnancy loss during medical school, but have had friends outside medicine go through the same thing. I am lucky that all the things that made me a unique applicant to medical school have helped me be highly sought for residency and I feel like I have my pick of good programs. I'll be going into intern year pregnant, and while this isn't "ideal" I know that having a family is important to me and I will make it work. Good luck!
I can relate to what you're feeling. When I was accepted to med school I was a 31yo reapplicant, and I was leaving behind a career that was just starting to go well and where I was at the end of the training path instead of the beginning. Definitely had some people tell me I was crazy to give up what I had for the life of a medical trainee and/or say I was too old, but remember the former is a personal decision and the latter is just not true. My first year of med school was the hardest for me, not because of the academic work (though there is a lot to learn) but because of questioning myself/ my decision constantly. I got into a bad habit of rubbing my eyes a lot from stress, and for the first time in my life had like 3 styes in a 6 month period (this does wonders for your self confidence too, lol).
My only advice would be if you're gonna commit to medicine, commit to medicine. Don't double guess yourself and keep wondering "what if?". You earned this and nobody but you will know or care about your age. At least for me each year I got closer to my goal has been happier. I came into med school married, but plenty of people aren't and still find time to date/ meet partners. I did experience a pregnancy loss during medical school, but have had friends outside medicine go through the same thing. I am lucky that all the things that made me a unique applicant to medical school have helped me be highly sought for residency and I feel like I have my pick of good programs. I'll be going into intern year pregnant, and while this isn't "ideal" I know that having a family is important to me and I will make it work. Good luck!
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For a little perspective, imagine the flip side:
"I am an international student who has applied to medical school three times but have still not gotten in. I am a 32 year old single female. I never thought I would question my commitment to medicine, but I finally realized that now I can just be a mom instead of worrying that I will not have the chance because I chose to attend medical school instead."
Does that ring at all true for you?
You can do both, by the way.
"I am an international student who has applied to medical school three times but have still not gotten in. I am a 32 year old single female. I never thought I would question my commitment to medicine, but I finally realized that now I can just be a mom instead of worrying that I will not have the chance because I chose to attend medical school instead."
Does that ring at all true for you?
You can do both, by the way.
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I’m sad that there continues to be an internalized sexism regarding women in medicine. I’ve never heard a man question whether they can have kids and pursue medicine. Yes you can have kids as a doctor. I started Med school in my late twenties and had a baby and didn’t miss a beat (I’ll graduate on time). My attendings all have children. In fact, statistically most women in medicine become moms. I’m unclear why the rumor is that people like me don’t exist. If you want to be a doctor, be a doctor. It’s tough as nails to be a physician but it’s not the motherhood part that makes it tough- it’s the training that has to be grueling in order for you to be competent. The baby part just makes it all better after a long day working and seeing the smiling face. Does it mean that my husband is the default parent when she gets sick and when I’m on call? Yep. And what’s wrong with that? He’s better at it than me- it’s all internalized sexism about a woman’s role IMO.
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My wife and I are both physicians, and since my schedule is a little bit more flexible than hers I'm always the one that takes time off when the kids are sick.
It is very doable.
If it comes to it, as a physician you can afford a full-time nanny.
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I agree with the poster above that women shouldn't freak out about having kids before 35 and should do what works best for their life/ career plans. Anecdotally, I was my mom's first when she was 40 years old and I asked her once if she ever worried that she wouldn't be able to have kids - she said the thought never even occurred to her. I will also say though that babies come on their own schedule. We started trying when I was 34, got pregnant within 3 months and then miscarried. It took a year for us to get pregnant again and now we're looking at an intern year baby (was *not* the original plan). I do believe though that if you work hard you can make most things work out.
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If having a family is important to you, I am sure you can make it work. It is natural to worry about that when you are in your thirties, but I think that will happen with or without med school. Certainly your time is more limited (in terms of dating etc) and you might have to be more intentional in searching for a mate than the average person (who has more time than a med student), but I don’t think that’s gonna be the main issue for you. If you love medicine, go for it.
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Hopefully you aren't going to the Caribbean.
I am going to an MD program in the US.
Thank you for your feedback!
D
deleted1100659
There was a female resident who had four children while in psych residency. It can be done! But perhaps if you want a family sort of lifestyle, certain areas of medicine are more geared towards that. In psych def doable.
I am sure you will meet plenty of men along the way as well. You worked so hard to get in, I think not pursuing it would be fear leading to regret.
I am sure you will meet plenty of men along the way as well. You worked so hard to get in, I think not pursuing it would be fear leading to regret.
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For the baby question, freeze your eggs if you can. While many women have children during med school and training, certainly many women of my age and later (I will be 40 this year) have discussed that assistive reproduction options and planning are not as well discussed with women at the beginning of training as they should be. If you ultimtately don't need to use them, at least you had the backup.
You absolutely CAN have children and be a physcian. I personally have chosen not to but I am in the minority I think. A paper was recently published in JAMA showing that women in surgery tend to put off childbearing and even those that do not tend to experience more miscarriages and reproductive issues than women in the general population. However anecdotally talking to colleagues and friends I think this is true regardless of whether one is in surgery or in a non-procedural field. An acquaintance is working on a study on the topic with regard to female physicians in general on the heels of the JAMA article.
This is not meant to be doom and gloom but more real talk.
The other side of this is that there is no "right" time to have a baby in training - just do it and it will get figured out.
You absolutely CAN have children and be a physcian. I personally have chosen not to but I am in the minority I think. A paper was recently published in JAMA showing that women in surgery tend to put off childbearing and even those that do not tend to experience more miscarriages and reproductive issues than women in the general population. However anecdotally talking to colleagues and friends I think this is true regardless of whether one is in surgery or in a non-procedural field. An acquaintance is working on a study on the topic with regard to female physicians in general on the heels of the JAMA article.
This is not meant to be doom and gloom but more real talk.
The other side of this is that there is no "right" time to have a baby in training - just do it and it will get figured out.
DoctorSandwich
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Hey there! I’m right there with you. I’m nowhere close to entering medical school but I’m thinking about pursuing a medical career in the future. The same things you’re worried about scare me, too. What if marriage, love, family, and a personal life get totally swept off the table? What if entering the world of medicine ends up being a trap?
But you know what? Life is about taking risks. Regardless of what happens, for better or for worse, the best thing to do is to make a decision and stick with it. I say this because I heard a quote once that really resonated with me. It’s still inside my head and helps me make hard choices from time to time: better to try and fail than to do nothing and be one of those timid souls that knew neither success nor defeat (source unknown).
So if your heart really yearns to give medical school a shot, go ahead; because in the end no matter what happens you can look back and say you made a decision and have a story to tell. Better to make a decision and end up with a journey to talk about than not make a decision and live with regret.